Stupid
by Sparrowfeather1
Summary: Ever since his father left when he was young Kendall has struggled with feelings of guilt and stupidity. All of those feelings come to the surface again when he realizes he has feelings for Logan but doesn't think he is worth his friend's time. SLASH! Kendall/Logan Kogan!


**Finally got around to finishing this! Honestly, Im not that happy with it but I think that's just because I don't like writing sad things. But it does have a happy ending. This does have talk of childhood depression in it so if that's not your thing then you should probably go back now. Oh yeah, and it's slash. So if you hate slash then you REALLY need to go back, it'd be in both of our best interests.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, if I did they'd all be gay for each other and Jo would still be in New Zealand. **

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**Kendall's POV**

Have you ever felt stupid before?

That cold, unyielding sense of dread that starts in the back of your mind but slowly creeps through your veins until it practically consumes you? Have you ever felt that? I have but only once before. The day my dad left. I was only seven and felt so stupid, as if it was all my fault and I should have somehow been able to make him stay. If only I was cleaner, smarter, nicer, a better hockey player, if only I was perfect he might not have left. Once the thought planted itself in my mind it wouldn't leave and after festering slowly for a few days my life began to shut down.

It finally sunk in that he wasn't coming back and that it was all my fault. I stopped eating, stopped playing with the guys at school, stopped doing homework, even stopped playing hockey. Little Katie was without a dad and it was all my fault. Mom didn't have a husband anymore and it was because of me.

This went on for almost two weeks before my mother took me to the doctor. I think she had hoped it would go away on its own but when it didn't she got worried. And once more I felt stupid, mom had enough to worry about without having to take care of me too. The doctor examined me, asked a lot of questions and eventually sent me to another doctor. This doctor mostly just asked me questions about how I was feeling and stuff like that. He wrote me out a prescription for some medicine. At the time I didn't understand what they were for but my mother wore a haunted, guilty expression the whole way home. Her face looked like how I felt.

I took the pills every morning just like the doctor said but I just felt worse. I knew it was all my fault dad left and the guilt was eating at me day after day after day. The only solace I had was sleep, I'd go to bed as early as possible and sleep as late as I could. I loved it, the sheer bliss of nothingness. I never voiced those thoughts though, something in the back of my mind told me that something wasn't right but I was so full of guilt and self loathing that I never questioned it. I just figured I was sick and needed medicine, a sort of karma for driving my dad away. And I was only seven; I had no way of knowing how dangerous my thoughts were.

Things went on like that for weeks, I'd take the medicine that was supposed to help me but I just kept on feeling worse and worse. I slept as much as I could and waking up was the most painful thing. I stopped hockey completely, despite how much I was sleeping I always felt tired. And those few hours of the day I was actually up and moving I spent thinking, wondering how I can be better. Trying to figure out all the things that were wrong with me so that mom wouldn't leave Katie and I too.

Logan came over one afternoon, all my friends had been worried about me but they knew my dad left and were giving me space. But our teacher had assigned us a science project, James and Carlos were partners and Logan was my partner. My mom had to go out with Katie to her daycare because apparently Katie had locked another little kid that was teasing her in a cupboard. If I hadn't been so tired I would have been proud. Logan and I worked mostly in silence for the first hour, he was lost in equations and observations and I was half asleep, watching him work through half lidded eyes. I began to wonder how long it would take before my friends would leave me too. After all without hockey they had no reason to be friends with me anymore, I was probably just a bother to them just like I was to dad.

I barely noticed when Logan got up and went to kitchen, saying something about being thirsty. He came back a few moments later with a frown on his face.

"Kendall. What's this?" he asked, holding up my pills.

"My medicine. Mom took me to the doctor and they sent me to another doctor who gave me those."

"Then that doctors a moron! These are anti-depressants! You're way to young to take this stuff!" Logan said appalled. Even at such a young age I knew my friend was a genius but I had no idea what he was talking about.

"It's just medicine."

"No its not! This stuff is probably why you've been so weird lately. This stuff can make depression worse Kendall, especially at our age. Doesn't your mom know that?"

"The doctor said it'd be alright to take." I shrugged, vaguely remembering my mom saying to the doctor that she thought only adults or sometimes older teenagers could take this medicine but the doctor had said it was 'perfectly safe.' But I trusted Logan more than some stupid doctor.

"Well its not!" Logan said distraught. Just then I heard the door close and Katie babbling on in her broken toddler sentences about something. Immediately Logan ran over and started to talk to my mom, I guessed about the medicine. All of them talking was giving me a headache so I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I wasn't exactly sure what happened after that but I woke up a bit later to my mom on the phone yelling at someone, using big words like lawsuit and malpractice. Logan was still there, I felt his presence before I saw him, he was sitting on the couch flipping channels by my feet, a hand resting on one of my legs almost protectively. I smiled; I wasn't quite sure what exactly was going on but for the first time since my dad left I felt like someone truly cared.

After that I stopped taking the medicine. I stopped being so tired all the time and got back into hockey. I still felt guilty sometimes but I it wasn't so consuming that it stopped my life anymore. After a couple of months I had to tell a man in a suit about the medicine I took and how it made me tired all the time. That summer my mom took my friends and I all to Disney world.

I didn't really understand until years later that the doctor had prescribed me adult strength anti-depressants. And when Logan told my mom just how dangerous they were for me that she immediately sued the wacko therapist. We had gotten some but not a lot of money from that, enough to get us on our feet and moving again since we had gotten into some debt after dad left. We also had enough money left over for that trip to Disney.

As time went on I stopped feeling so guilty and so stupid, getting older made me realize that it wasn't my fault that dad left. In fact when I was fourteen I learned that he had actually been sleeping with his much younger secretary at work and had one day decided to leave mom, Katie and I so he could move to Prague and be with the little gold-digger. After I learned that, the guilt almost completely vanished and so did any love or respect I still carried for my father. I hated even thinking about him anymore.

When we moved out of Minnesota and out of our family home, I thought that everything was behind me. And it was, my dad wasn't a part of my life anymore, it was only Mom, Katie and my buds. Most of the time I almost forgot that six months of emotional agony when I was seven. I was BTR's confident and strong leader, no one disputed that, not even me.

But here I was, pacing my room, feeling stupider and lower now than I ever did after my dad left. Even when I was dumbed down on super doses of antidepressants. I felt like my head and was going to explode and my body was going to melt. My limbs felt heavy and I was so cold and I was suddenly very very tired. Granted, sleeping as a coping mechanism wasn't nearly the most damaging thing I could do to my body but it definitely wasn't healthy either. This wasn't something that could just be slept off either. This was huge, monumental, life altering. And completely and totally screwed up.

How could I be in love? With _Logan._

I only realized it this morning when I walked past the pool and saw him sucking face with Camille in a pool chair. It had felt like a real physical blow and at first I didn't understand why. I knew it was the feeling of jealousy of corse but quickly realized I didn't have feelings for Camille. She was great but just…a bit to crazy for my tastes. Slowly the truth began to sink in and I wondered why I hadn't seen it before.

I had always had a sort of different relationship with Logan than I ever had with James or Carlos. And over the World Tour we spent most of our time off together because James was hitting all of the foreign clubs he could and was dragging Carlos with as his 'wingman.' Logan and I would spend a lot of our days hanging around the tour bus, writing some new songs or we'd walk around the towns. I never knew just how many different languages Logan spoke until this trip. Not including his surprising understanding of British Slang terms, I had counted four different languages that he spoke along this trip. And his linguistic skills definitely came in handy, whether it be when he ordered our meal at a French cafe, he didn't even have to ask me what I wanted, or when we had to ask for directions in Germany, Logan knew I had a thing for chocolate and would love to taste _real_ German chocolate.

We had gotten closer on that trip. I just hadn't let myself believe how close. Or at least how close _I_ got, he obviously had no interest in me.

So that was why I suddenly felt like was seven years old again. Stupid, worthless, wondering why the hell would I think that someone as smart, cute and awesome as Logan would ever like someone like me. Jo had went to New Zealand just to get away from me after all, I couldn't believe that the guys still put up with me. What was I worth anyways?

Something that had changed since I was seven was that I knew a lot more ways to numb myself than to just sleep. Quickly I ran the options through my mind, cutting, drugs, alcohol, or I could just jump out the window, go spread eagle, land on the concrete and finish it all off right now. That way not only would this gut wrenching feeling stop but then I'd never risk anybody knowing my feelings for Logan. And nobody could know, _ever._

Before I could consider those darker options any longer I heard the door to 2J shut.

"Hey Kendall, I saw you leaving the pool, you looked kind of upset. Are you alrigh-" Logan walked in the room and stopped, something on my face must have answered that question for him because he frowned. "What's wrong?" he asked immediately.

"What? Nothing." I lied quickly, to quickly and I knew it.

"Kendall, I'm serious. Talking about whatever's bothering you will hel-"

"NO!" I exclaimed in a panic before I could stop myself. The thought of talking to anyone, let alone Logan about this made the idea of jumping out the window suddenly seem very appealing.

"Okay, okay." Logan backed off, raising his hands in defeat.

Things were quiet for a moment, awkwardly so. Which was strange because Logan and I just didn't _do_ awkward silences. We either always knew what to say or when we didn't have anything to say it was always a comfortable silence. I started to pace a little bit again but I could feel Logan's concerned eyes following me every step of the way.

"Why did you come up here after me?" I suddenly blurted out.

"Huh?" Logan looked at me surprised by my outburst and the weird question. "I told you already. I saw you were upset."

"Why were you even looking at me? You looked like you were to busy sucking out Camille's soul from her mouth to notice anything, let alone me." No matter how much I tried I couldn't keep all of the bitterness out of my voice.

Logan's look of confusion just got worse for a second before suddenly turning into something softer, he even smiled a bit. "Kendall, I was helping a Camille out with a role. It was nothing. We barely kissed for two seconds, you must have walked up just as we started and left before we stopped."

"But you looked so into it…"

"I wasn't into it enough not to notice you." Logan's smile got bigger. "Come on, lets go out to dinner."

"What? Why?" I was completely lost now.

"To celebrate you finally realizing you like me. I've been waiting ten years for this."

"What…"

Logan sighed and cupped my cheeks, kissing me softly. I never would have taken him for the dominant type but I wasn't complaining one bit. I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him close. He nipped my lip softly and pulled back.

"I've been waiting to kiss you since we were seven."

"That's when my…"

"Yeah, I know. I hated seeing you get that sad and I promised myself I'd never let anything break your heart again. Guess I sort of failed at that today…" he smiled sheepishly and I pecked him.

"No, me and my heart are much better than okay and definitely not broken." I couldn't help but smile.

And did I mention how hot Logan was? Not just cute but hot too.

Logan slid his hand down my arm slowly and intertwined our fingers. "Common, lets do this dinner. I'll buy. I know the perfect restaurant, it'll be great for our first date."

"Alright." I smiled, a bit dazed. Minutes ago I was ready to jump out a window and now I was going on a date with Logan who, for some reason, seemed to be running this.

That cold, dark, lonely place I had been in just moments ago seemed to disappear, just like that. I didn't know how but Logan always seemed to make things the better. I did feel a bit stupid but only because I didn't realize sooner that he had been waiting, patiently for me all these years. But _god_, I couldn't help but think as Logan slipped his tongue into my mouth just in time for the elevator doors to open and the entire lobby gasp as they saw us, I had never been so happy to feel stupid.

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**I have to say, this ending is not my best. I feel like it went way to fast but at this point my opinion doesn't really matter so PLEASE REVIEW!**


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